The "Great" State of Texas

Hello monkeys, DADDY”S BACK! For some of you in the know, I took a slight vacation (well, if driving 2200 miles over three days is a vacation) to Texas to see Momma Nazi over Christmas. I will now go over the reasons why Texas SHOULD succeed.
Myth number 1: “Everything is bigger and better in Texas”! Fact: Texas is simply the shitty northern suburb of a second world country ………..BUT WORSE!!!! For the love of God I love Mexican food but putting rice and beans in EVERY FUCKING THING IS UNNECESSARY!!!! “Would you like to try our new breakfast burrito? It’s egg, chorisso, rice and beans!” Are you fucking kidding me? Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy are fucking breakfast, not RICE AND FUCKING BEANS! And there is about……let me think about it……..150 YARDS of highway without an orange barrel or cone. The fucking State tree is a orange barrel. The State motto is “All fines double in work zones”. Fuck me, Texas may have one trillion more miles of highway compared to Kansas BUT NONE OF IT IS FUCKING FUNCTIONAL! And back to the rice and beans, I know there is a heavy Mexican influence do to the geography but you are connected to Arkansas and Oklahoma too. Do you have a overwhelming compulsion to fuck your sister and worship red dirt too? Wait, don’t answer that.
Myth number 2: “Texan’s are bad-asses! “Fact: It’s half right, at least the ass part. What I encountered was a bunch of over sized belt buckle wearing pussies. It was 43 degrees when we left and these fags were bundled up like they were exploring the Arctic circle. It also rained that evening (1/4 of an inch) and I was asked about the “storm last night. ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME. I was in shorts by the way……
Myth number 3: “Proud to be a Texan!!” Fact: Really??? Fucking really?! Other than the four highways named after the crackers who died at the Alamo………EVERY FUCKING STREET IS NAMED AFTER A MEXICAN OR AN EVENT IN MEXICAN HISTORY! Oh yea, speaking of streets………
Myth number 3: “Texan’s are great drivers. You fuckers up North need to learn how to drive!” Fact: I have never seen a bigger collection of Helen Keller, functional fucking window licking tards behind a wheel of a car in my life. They all drive like they have a belly full of Dale Jr. jizz and are trying to draft the car ahead of them closer than the human centipede! Then if the car they are drafting slows down 1/10000 of a MPH a 5 mile slow down occurs. Heaven forbid a wreck occurs since there are concrete barriers on either side of the highway. Yeah I know, sounds like a great idea. Who was this genius? “How can I make this highway only accessible by helicopter in case of emergency? After all, only MILLIONS OF CARS A MONTH DRIVE DOWN I35.”   I am sure this king of engineering received a bonus for the amount of fucktard displayed. The only way to simulate Texas Driving is the following: Drink a fifth of tequila and drive BACKWARDS on the Canal Rout. You will STILL do better than them.
So in summery: Texas sucks. People from Texas suck. They like to brag that they are the only State in the Union that can succeed……WELL GO AHEAD! If Mexico will take up the task of fixing up that shithole……they can HAVE IT!!!!!!!! The state that produced both the Chiefs and Cowboys needs to GO!
Oh, and you are from Texas and this made you butt-hurt, blame the person that read it to you because we all know you can’t! Or you can come to the shop and I will punch you in your over sized belt buckle.
I am the proud KANSAN Burgernazi and I approve this message!

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