The fine art.

Culinary skills? Not in this post. The skill I wish to expound upon is the skill set involved in being a smart ass, as it is not as easy as some people think it is. First, it takes a quick wit as back and forth banter will occur and thinking on the fly is essential. Secondly, intelligence is the gas in the tank. If multitasking is beyond you, leave it to the professionals.  Last but not least, overall knowledge, because if your are ignorant of the topic, you will look like a crayon eating twat waffle. (It’s rather tragic to watch, by the way.)
Now that the ingredient list is out there we can move to the different species of smart ass: Carpet bomber and Sniper.

  • Carpet bomber: This is the branch of smart ass that lays waste to the entire country side in a relentless barrage. Your beloved Burgernazi falls under this category, as are several other regulars at the Bomber, engage them  at your own risk because little is off limits, including your precious self esteem!
  • Sniper: Very dangerous form of smart ass as they are not easily identified until it’s to late. By then, your brain pan has been reduced to a fine red mist from a 50 caliber verbal rifle shot! This form of smart ass is VERY dangerous to the Carpet bomber, as Carpet bombers will attack constantly until they have made a verbal misstep and the sniper takes a controlled breath, squeezes the trigger and splat! Several members of the Bomber crew are INCREDIBLY DECORATED SNIPERS. I have the mental scars to prove it. I cry sometimes…….(yeah right.)
  • Both species of smart ass fall under the one of two criteria: Clean or “blue”. Personal choice of the smart ass depending on the comfort-ability with profanity. I AM QUITE COMFORTABLE WITH WORKING BLUE.

It has come to my attention that despite the high popularity of my little rants on my blog, some people have gotten offended. I lump these people in the same group that took their precious eight year old offspring to Deadpool and leave offended despite the R rating and all of the warnings. Here is one fact of life some people skip: ONLY YOU CAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET OFFENDED!!!!!!!! Let’s give a pertinent example; my blog. In order to read my profanity laced rants the following needs to occur: YOU need to find my website. YOU need to find the blog portion of my website. YOU need to read the disclaimer. YOU must agree to said disclaimer and YOU need to hit the agree button. YOU have to read the blog. NOW YOUR FUCKING OFFENDED? Address the REAL problem……..wait for it………………………………………..YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are things I don’t like, and being an adult, I SIMPLY DON’T DO THEM. I think Starbucks offers overpriced shit and that anyone waiting in line to get a $7 coffee is a window licking fucktard. Do I protest Starbucks? Do I organize a sit in? No, I SIMPLY DON’T GO THERE. Novel fucking concept, isn’t it? I could give a shit about the Oscars, a show awarding a bunch of twat waffles who have the “skill” to repeat what other people have written for their quasi  illiterate liberal ass’s. Do I contact the FCC and try to get the Oscars off of the air? Nope. I pick something else to watch out of the 700 channels at my disposal and feel pity for the mouth-breathing dullards who do watch. I know that paying attention to shit that may actually effect your life will involve a region of your frontal cortex not used much, may cause a headache at first but trust me……your boo hoo gland needs a break.

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